As you know I have children. However I have not seen them in sometime. It was a nasty divorce and because of a feminist judge I lost everything. Right now I am trying to find a gainful employment to recover as much as I can. But that is another topic that I may or may not cover at some point.
Since loosing my children I became full of pain. I hurt because I failed them. I hurt because I felt like Adonia failed me. I have done my best to grow beyond these pains without letting go of my children. In this process I have held on to much pain and not willing to let it go. Mostly because I miss my children and don't want to loose any more of them than I have. But in the search for understanding Gods love I came across a book in which I am reading. It introduced the idea that holding on to the pains of the past can be a deadly hindrance in finding pleasure in who Yahweh as a whole really is. Or taking pleasure in His true nature and character. This road will be a hard one for me to travel but I will post things that come out over the coarse of the road.
The first thing that hit me was that in holding on to the pain such as I did has caused a barrier or shield between Adonia and myself. This was revealed when I screamed into the air why is it a sin for me to hurt. The answer was that the hurt was not a sin but the hanging onto it and letting shape much of who I am was. And that is what I know I have been doing. I wonder if this is why Yahweh has been withholding a deeper committed relationship aka to find a christian spouse. I can see plainly how it pertains. It does affect me and the way I handle life in general. So I am doing my best to find the pleasure of Yahweh's full character and trying to cope with some deep pains. A deep pain of rejection starting with some attitudes that my dad showed me when I was younger and still maintains those same disappointments in all that I am today. Don't worry forgiveness will be easy here it has been for a few years now. The other source of rejection has been because of relationships with the opposite sex especially my ex-wife. When she told me that she would do what it took to drive me off and did exactly that. The last feeling of rejection is direct from Adonia. Mind you I understand this is just a feeling. However when you greatly desire to take care of your own responsibilities such as paying child support and every job you try fails it becomes a source of pain. And in ignorance you begin to grapple with the understanding of what is going on any way you can which can mean that you come to a wrong conclusion toward the nature of Adonia's intentions over the suffering in question.
I pray that as I go through this struggle and post what I learn here that some of the readers will find some resolution to their own struggles with pain. In a past post I left my face book and twitter available please consider that you have any questions or comments about this issue feel free to contact me there. I will be posting again shortly on this subject as I face the pain of letting go of the pain that I have held onto so dearly for the last 6 years.
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