Broken Wisdom

In the last days I have been seeking understanding or wisdom on many things. Such as getting my business off the ground before it fails and potentially finding a job.
Tonight something happened in which I really cried out to YHVH. I am in a sitation that is really causing problems for me and those around me.

I am living in a very depressed area it has been severly depressed for abouot 20 years. Now mind you this is not my home this is where I am stuck at. I really want to go home. Home to me is Gulf Breeze FL. Its a little suberb of Pensacola. It makes me very happy there. So here I am crying out to YHVH becuase of something I did that I felt was wrong but I had no choice.
At least not a safe choice. As my heart lay breaking and my tears flowing, I asked Him what I had done so wrong to desrve this. You see I have been seeking somethings that most of my readers (not many) would disagree with. In my own life I have been seeking to follow the statues and commands of the bible. I am doing it for two main reasons. First becuase I love Him, and second becuase I do seek his reward or blessing. And in so much as my suffering I have been struggling with the why of it. Did I do wrong. Is the promises that are in the bible only meant for those who actually recieved the original message? The second one bothers me the most even though I feel the answer is no. So here I am sitting here pleading with Him about all this and He reminds me of something that happened yesterday.

As I am crying out trying to understand anything from Him that He might let me know in this suffering He remind me of her. And what bothers me about this the most is this. When I am broken and desperate for YHVH is when I feel He is the closest. But I also feel like His promise are the most real. What I am saying is for some strange reason when I am at my most vulnerable with my Lord and Savior I feel like He is always reminding me that the girl of my dreams will be given to me soon. Just be patient and trust Him. The girl is the desire of my heart. Every since meeting her my faith grows stronger just at the mere thought of her. If I look at a picture of her I feel the uncontrolable desire to go pray. What gets interesting is the more logical minded I get the more distant from my creator I feel. The more I feel that this dream girl of mine is only a pipe dream. The closer I draw to Him the more I feel like he tells me she is comming. Even when I am not trying to seek understanding about her. The closer to Him I feel in my brokeness the more I feel as if this blessing will be given and that I can trust Him for her. That is why I feel this blog should be called Broken Wisdom. In closing I want to send a msg to that someone if she ever found my blog.

You are my dream girl. You are the promises that are in the bible. No matter what has happened no matter what you have done I desire you as the only woman for me.
You see one day my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him that the one thing I wanted from Him was his blessing regarding you. I even said that I wouldn't sin with you. He answered, You may have my blessing regarding her as long as you don't sleep with her and you take the time to get to know her. This was a miricle to me. I pray that you will remember me and maybe one day want me in your life as much as I want you. With that said I will close this blog with LU. You know who you are dear one.